Two-Man Tent Read online

  You Americans, winking while you kiss. Hot.

  Where are you in your profile pic, looking so cute?

  This is my hometown of St. John’s, Newfoundland.

  Never been. But I got an A+ in geography.

  It’s especially nice in summer. Could do with a few more hot guys though. You’d do well here.

  You should cook me something now. Unless you are busy.

  Might be a bit cold by the time I get it to you.

  I’ll come to you. I have superpowers.

  Oct. 7, 2012

  10:29 PM G______: toot toot ahhh beep beep.

  60 minutes

  11:29 PM me: hey ho

  11:30 PM G______: ah, my reputation as a ho has spread far and wide, like my legs. #rimshot

  11:31 PM me: you’re a ho? how much is this chat gonna cost me?

  11:32 PM G______: Ahhh, this is nice, no more thumb typing. Glad we switched over to gmail chat.

  me: so much more civilized.

  G______: how is your weekend coming along?

  11:33 PM me: oh you know…ok. just recovering from a head cold. but it’s canadian thanksgiving tomorrow. so turkey coma here i come.

  11:44 PM G______: after you get over your cold let’s make out.

  11:45 PM me: sure thing. how do we deal with this distance issue. it’s bumming me out.

  11:46 PM G______: we could go back to chatting on Scruff, and i could rub my phone on my lips real hard as we text.

  11:48 PM me: Scruff was telling me that you are 5523 km away.

  G______: What is that in American?

  me: Just what I need, a phone app telling me exactly how far away the hot guy I’m chatting with is.

  11:51 PM G______: i ain’t very ho-ish, actually. how is your love life?

  me: kinda non existent these days.

  G______: yah, unless i feel some kinda spark* i don’t bother. (*cash payment)

  11:56 PM me: you don’t take visa? damn.

  G______: it pays to Discover, my bubble butt.

  12:01 AM G______: i emailed you a photo to celebrate canadian thanksgiving.

  12:02 AM me: i’m booking a flight. dude. gorgeous.

  G______: thanks bubba. i’m trying to get those wanna be rugby legs.

  12:06 AM me: how tall are you? have i asked you that yet?

  12:07 AM G______: the cubs must flirt with you lots. i’m 5’11 about 190lbs.

  12:09 AM me: i get a fair amount of attention from guys looking for a “dad”. creepy.

  12:16 AM me: I’m glad you woofed at me. I am glad I wrote to you. ☺

  12:19 AM G______: i’m watching cooking shows during our sexy chat.

  me: a man after my own heart. sex and food.

  12:20 AM G______: i’m hungry for roast turkey now.

  12:21 AM me: canadian thanksgiving.

  Oct. 12

  7:10 PM G______: howdy.

  7:12 PM me: how is california? still rad?

  7:17 PM G______: fall is finally arriving here next week.

  7:19 PM me: i didn’t think you had a fall, or a winter. i thought it was just one non-stop bikini clad pool party from January to December.

  7:20 PM G______: i’m in western, not southern, California.

  7:24 PM me: i’m going to look you up on a map. city again?

  G______: barstow

  7:25 PM me: gotcha.

  G______: couple hours northwest of los angeles

  7:26 PM me: is it big? Barstow I mean. *blush*

  7:28 PM C______: nah. about 23,000

  7:29 PM G______: what’s the pop of newfoundland?

  me: the entire population is about 500,000.

  G______: and in St. johns?

  me: st. john’s is about 150, 000.

  7:31 PM G______: are there les gays peoples?

  7:32 PM me: there are les gays.

  me: I’ve heard some disgruntled ladies say that the women outnumber the men here 6 to 1.

  7:34 PM me: i’m trying to send you a picture of the city and failing. :/

  7:35 PM me: there ya go.

  G______: that’s gorgeous

  7:37 PM G______: wow. you are literally on the other side of the continent.

  me: I know.

  G______: and this is a big continent.

  me: aren’t they all?

  7:40 PM G______: depressing. Kinda. Huh?

  me: 5000km.

  7:43 PM me: :(

  Oct. 13

  12:23 PM me: hey G______: you mind if i ask you your last name? i want to snoop you on facebook. (see how honest i am?)

  G______: C______, but i’m not on facebook.

  12:26 PM me: are you really G______ C______? for reals?

  12:27 PM G______: Maybe. Didn’t yo momma ever tell you not to talk to strangers?

  12:28 PM G______: (yes, my real name)

  12:29 PM me: tee hee. robert chafe, here.

  G______: pronunciation chafe like safe?

  12:30 PM me: yup. like the skin rash. charming eh?

  G______: rob is adorable though.

  12:31 PM me: ha. thanks.

  12:32 PM me: tell me G______, what do you do?

  12:33 PM G______: i just work retail but currently funemployed.

  me: i’m a writer.

  G______: what sorta writing?

  12:35 PM me: mostly plays. But I’m tyring to make a move into fiction.

  12:37 PM G______: when you write me into a script please make me a sexual bombshell. thanks.

  12:43 PM me: i cannot imagine how else i would write you.

  12:54 PM G______: i feel that it’s very important i enjoy a substantial dessert item today.

  12:55 PM me: dessert is important. like no one ever talks about how important dessert actually is. like it is going TOTALLY unmentioned in the presidential debates.

  12:56 PM G______: what will you cook for me when i come north to the canadas.

  12:57 PM me: i will make you our national dish: a pile of bacon covered with maple syrup and a dash of backwoods charm.

  12:58 PM G______: ha. you “artist” types

  1:07 PM G______: I just googled you. you’re sorta a big deal.

  1:10 PM me: in certain circles. HUGE in the eastern-newfoundland-gay-theatre- with-a-loose-moral scene. waiting for my big break in cali.

  1:12 PM G______: if you need a hairy half asian for a role i’m your man.

  1:14 PM G______: did you get some les writings done today?

  1:15 PM me: not as much as i hoped. but i was chatting a lot today with this really cute and funny dude, and well…

  1:17 PM G______: can’t i be a muse instead of distraction?

  1:18 PM me: the stuff i’d write with you as my muse i could never release to the public.

  G______: good save.

  Oct. 14

  12:06 PM G______: nfl football or yentl? sunday morning dilemma.

  me: that is the gayest thing i’ve heard all morning. but of course i just woke up. streisand. or cute bums in tight pants.

  G______: what time is it there? were you out pole dancing or something last night?

  me: have the pics been posted ALREADY?

  G______: is nfl popular up in canada? i mean, where there’s electricity and television?

  12:09 PM me: yes very popular. but we call it catch the pig skin. and it’s played with a live pig.

  12:13 PM G______: you’re fun to chit chat with.

  12:14 PM me: i can’t tell if that is sarcastic or not.

  G______: mandy patinkin was handsome in yentl.

  me: i dont think i’ve ever seen yentl.

  12:16 PM G______: you are a jew hater. And a bad gay man.

  me: ha!

  12:17 PM G______: the lighting is good in this movie. i want this lighting everywhere i am.

  me: this is why you need to be rich. so you can just pay a lighting crew to follow you around. (i’ve been doing it for years.)

  12:18 PM G______: smart lad

  me: thank god there is so little sunshine in c
anada.

  12:19 PM G______: we have very bright and hot dry summers where i live.

  12:20 PM me: i’ve never been to cali. always wanted to but never had the occasion to make it happen. ;)

  12:21 PM G______: you won’t need to bring your lighting crew

  12:22 PM me: thank god. very good at what they do, but honestly it’s like travelling with children.

  12:25 PM G______: We should meet on a beach somewhere.

  me: Ooohh, slushy drinks and hot men in speedos.

  G______: I want to tan myself to a crispy noodle.

  12:29 PM me: I’m English/Irish. I don’t tan so much as sear.

  12:31 PM G______: Are you afraid of the sun? you Canadians.

  12:36 PM me: My mother had skin cancer once, she’s beaten the fear of overexposure into us.

  G______: I live in California. Trust me, the sun is the least of your worries.

  12:44 PM me: And my next door neighbour’s mom died of it when I was a kid. She was all organic veggies and ten mile runs and no smoking or drinking. And then she got cancer anyway. My mother cites her as the excuse as to why she still smokes.

  12:52 PM me: Do you smoke?

  G______: Nah. You?

  me: Quit 13 years ago.

  12:56 PM G______: oh great, So you’re a quitter too. Jeesh. Any other big surprises that I should know about?

  Oct. 14

  7:29 PM G______: this felix character has successfully skydived from space. wish i had that kinda drive.

  7:30 PM me: i know right? how does one even dream that up?

  G______: inspired by pizza, probs.

  7:33 PM me: he was in bed one sunday until 1 pm and thought, “you know what i should do when i finally get up and put on some pants…”

  G______: he’s probably a lovely singing voice too. asshole.

  me: whatevs. like if i wanted to skydive from space i would TOTALLy just do it right. but i just don’t wanna.

  7:38 PM G______: gotta want it.

  7:39 PM me: yup.

  G______: may have it here (pointing at head) but do i have it here (waving hand over heart)

  7:46 PM G______: what are you writing about these days?

  7:47 PM me: I wish I could tell you. I wish I knew.

  7:51 PM G______: you clearly don’t write for the personal fulfillment. It must be all about the money.

  me: it’s a book of short stories.

  7:54 PM G______: werkitgurl.

  7:56 PM me: right now it’s all depressing and maudlin.

  7:57 PM G______: sell sell sell. Where can I get a copy?

  8:02 PM me: my original idea was to do a series of stories that could/would be categorized by a body part. Heart. Blood.

  8:03 PM G______: penis

  8:04 PM me: strangely no.

  me: on the whole this is not coming together like that. so I have no idea what I am writing now.

  8:08 PM G______: I am a bad muse.

  me: yes. More pics please. ;)

  Oct. 18

  8:23 PM me: the writer david rackoff once said: “writing is like pulling teeth…from your dick.”

  30 minutes

  8:53 PM me: have you had dinner. what’s on the menu today?

  G______: i had panda express, do you have those?

  12 minutes

  9:05 PM me: no we don’t. what’s panda express? please say a high speed pet store.

  9:07 PM G______: chinese fast food chain. don’t actually serve panda meat

  9:08 PM me: i love chinese food. i invariably eat too much, but i love it. noodles. yum.

  9:09 PM G______: noodles is my new pet name for you.

  9:10 PM me: i will answer to noodles. yes i will. and you will be panda.

  9:12 PM me: hmm. you being half asian will i look like a total racist if i start calling you panda?

  9:14 PM G______: you should write a story about a racist gay playwright

  9:19 PM me: I’m already borrowing heavily from real life.

  9:23 PM G______: Isn’t that breaking the rules of fiction?

  me: Well, no. not really. I don’t think so.

  9:25 PM G______: joking.

  me: Oh. Me dumb.

  9:33 PM G______: What are you doing tonight?

  9:36 PM me: nothing. wanna spoon?

  9:41 PM G______: let’s spork

  9:51 PM me: though i might need a description of sporking, in principle i’m in.

  Oct. 19

  1:04 AM G______: you still up?

  me: yup. contemplating going downstairs to brush my teeth.

  1:06 AM G______: have the butler bring your evening toilette up to you

  1:08 AM me: if i ever get rich i’m going to have a toilet every ten feet in my house.

  me: and a bar fridge every five.

  1:09 AM G______: you’re not messin’ around!

  1:10 AM me: ok, maybe not a toilet in the kitchen, but definitely a bar fridge in the bathroom.

  1:12 AM me: how was the rest of your day?

  G______: sorta blah. yourself?

  1:13 AM me: it was fine.

  G______: What time is it there?

  me: A little after one.

  1:15 AM G______: So, 5000km and 4 hrs.

  me: 4 and a half.

  G______: Really?

  1:17 AM me: Yeah we’re like one of seven half hour time zones.

  1:19 AM G______: If it was only four hour difference I was gonna fly to see you tomorrow. But now that I know its four and a HALF, its out of the question.

  1:22 AM me: how was your day?

  1:26 AM G______: i said it was sorta blah. pay attention please.

  me: ha! so you did. Sorry distracted.

  1:30 AM me: hey do you find that guys sometimes don’t get your humour in these messages? i’ve offended a bunch of people by trying to be funny.

  1:32 AM G______: nah. i don’t sweat it. i enjoys sarcasm and insult comedy. some people just don’t get it.

  1:34 AM me: some guys, it’s like walking on eggshells.

  G______: i’m not good friends with any PC types. you’re in the arts, where i think that is especially true.

  1:40 AM me: i enjoy a good laugh. one of the reasons i enjoy chatting with you.

  1:41 AM G______: moi aussi, mon ami

  Oct. 23

  12:33 AM me: how was your night?

  12:39 AM G______: watched the cringe inducing presidential debate and went for an extreme power walk.

  me: a sweaty night then all around?

  12:43 AM me: i’m thinking about shaving off my beard.

  12:45 AM G______: were you going to have a vagina installed too?

  me: i take it that is a vote “no”.

  12:47 AM G______: i enjoys the facial hair, so i’m baised

  12:49 AM me: so do i. but it gets itchy. :/

  me: do people have vaginas “installed”? I so don’t know the proper terminology.

  G______: neither do i. i’m on the fringe of the gay culture.

  12:57 AM me: me too. i’m very fringey. i can’t remember the last time i was in a club.

  1:00 AM G______: oh. em. gee. let’s be boyfriends.

  1:13 AM me: ok. but you should know that i hog the blankets, am really bad at picking out xmas gifts, and require foot rubs regularly. i generally respect anothers space and privacy but if I ever think youre lieing to me i will bad mouth you to all of your friends and write a play about you using your real name.

  9 minutes

  1:22 AM me: :) I kid.

  8 minutes

  1:30 AM me: hello?

  Oct. 26

  7:44 PM G______: hey maybe i visit and we make out a little.

  me: you should totally visit. what, we’ve been chatting for a few weeks now, we’re ready right?

  G______: i’m broke-ass right now but i gotta shitload of frequent flyer miles.

  7:46 PM me: are we really talking about this? (tee hee)

  7:47 PM G______: maybe next summer. if i haven’t married some male supermodel by then.r />
  G______: maybe i marry james bond

  7:49 PM me: before you hop on a plane we should probably skype or chat on the phone or something. i mean you are totally hot, but what if you have an annoying voice? what if i do?

  G______: ha. whatevs.

  7:50 PM me: by your picture i imagine you to sound like david duchovny.

  7:52 PM G______: i actually sound like gillian Anderson

  7:53 PM me: yes, but do you look as good in a skirt suit?

  G______: i want to believe that i do

  8:12 PM G______: i wish we lived closer, i’d ask you on a date for realz.

  9 minutes

  8:21 PM me: i would really like that. where would you take me?

  20 minutes

  8:41 PM G______: BonerCity

  9:00 PM me: my favourite vacation getaway.

  Oct. 28

  2:25 AM me: forgive me for asking panda, but how old are you again?

  G______: just turned 41

  me: we are the same age.

  2:26 AM G______: we are ageless

  me: if we were in the same city i would be wooing you. you would be wooed.

  G______: i’m an immature 41,probably a good thing I’m so far away. oh nevermind. woo me.

  2:28 AM me: i’m a pretty immature 41 as well.

  me: i am wooing you. haven’t you noticed?

  G______: we’re woo-less

  2:30 AM me: I went to a concert tonight. i think i was the oldest person there. when that happens i don’t know whether to be embarrassed or proud.

  2:31 AM G______: oh yah, i often feel like that.

  2:33 AM me: i think i mostly land on proud. like, most people my age have shit taste in everything. but here i am, still exploring, interested in the “new”.

  me: ok. i just re-read that. sounds completely douchy. blame it on the booze.

  G______: save that, what you just said, for the douche character in your next story. turns out i AM your muse. you’re welcome.

  2:37 AM me: suppose you want a co-writer credit now? god! i will forward my agent’s info.

  2:38 AM G______: here use this, something true but douchey sounding from me:

  G______: i love anything with cello, it’s mournful.

  me: cut and paste.

  2:40 AM G______: <--- muse

  2:42 AM G______: you should just print out our brilliant chat sessions. i won’t sue you.

  2:44 AM me: i totally will.

  2:45 AM G______: ha

  28 minutes

  3:13 AM me: I’m still awake. Can’t sleep.

  3:16 AM me: You there?

  3:18 AM me: I did the math. 5523 km is 3432 miles in american.

  3:20 AM me: :(